My wife no longer lets me touch her clitoris
She enjoys sex, but never orgasms from it, which leaves me feeling unsatisfied
My wife always enjoyed orgasms from direct clitoral stimulation. However, for about 10 years, from her early 50s, she has almost never allowed me to do this. She still enjoys intercourse, but has never orgasmed from it. She thinks I should be satisfied, but I feel the other half of love-making, namely giving orgasms, is missing.
It is completely understandable that pleasing your wife and providing orgasms is important to you. But something has changed in her sexual responses – possibly for hormonal reasons – and her current wishes have been made clear. Perhaps your desire to give could now be focused on providing her with what she really wants at this time - ie, your understanding and acceptance of this physiological change in her. Although this is undeniably a painful loss for you, try to recognise that it is not caused by anything you have done wrong, and that it does not imply a rejection of you. A person’s sexuality usually changes to some degree during his or her life, and this often presents challenges for a partner. But, as people age, extra enjoyment can be gained from soothing touches and strokes, caresses and the comfort of cuddling. Experiment in giving her soothing pleasure without having expectations of orgasm, or even arousal. Helping her to relax more and feel closer to you in non-sexual ways may eventually revitalise your erotic connection.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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